My wife and I are currently separated but living in the same house. This is because my drinking in the past has turned her away from me. We are still best friends, but currently she is not ready to try to re-establish those close bonds that come with being more than best friends. Things are improving with us, but it's going to take a long time before I've regained her trust enough for her to attempt to let me back in on a closer bond again.
This has left me with a void. There is a crushing pain from the loneliness that comes with my situation. It's worse than it was before I met her, as I had never truly experienced a connection like that before, and now I have and have lost it. It's all my fault for drinking to hide from the idea that I might lose her. The fear came when polyamory entered our lives. Not that she would see other people, but that she might want to drop me from her heart. Ironically, my drinking made that happen.
It doesn't help that my only friends live in the same house as me and still have that connection that I've lost. I don't have anyone to connect with to help in the loneliness from that respect because it doesn't seem appropriate to talk with them about my pain.
Some of you might be thinking, "hey, I'm your friend." And yes, I do have friends like you, but unfortunately, we have not bonded in a truly close friendship that allows me to feel comfortable reaching out for comfort on an platonically intimate scale. This, too, is mostly me, as I have lived life in fear of rejection, and have not really gained the skills to make friends on that level. Instead, I've always lived withdrawn and isolated, which has furthered my anxiety, depression, loneliness, and alcoholism.
So, recently, I've dusted off my online dating profiles to try to find another in my ethical non-monogamous life. This has resulted in a tremendous amount of frustration and has not been good for my self-esteem. It's only been a month, but I've yet to get a connection to even chat with someone online to see if we might click as even friends. And really, all I'm looking for is a close connection with someone outside of the house even if it isn't a full romantic one.
I'm still sober, and have zero plans to go back to that coping mechanism. Instead, I've been turning to cleaning up the clutter in the places in the house that I spend the most time in. This has helped a lot, but doesn't come close to filling the void I have from no longer having companionship in my life.
I should start writing again. I have one story for my second book that I finished around three or four years ago. But every time I start, It just doesn't happen. Yes, I've written stuff. But I've thrown most of it out, as it's just dribble that has helped keep my skills from becoming completely dull, but doesn't have the feel of a story that should be told yet. All of my past stories have had a feeling even I've written them that hasn't been there with these. Most of these aren't even remotely a complete story (so no, this isn't the case of an artist being more critical of their own work where others would like it). If I did have some that told an actual story, I would keep it in hopes of refining it into something better. The good news is that ideas for stories are staring to return even if the words for those ideas remain elusive at this point. So, it's just a matter of time before I get rolling again with my writing hobby on a decent scale.
On a brighter note, I volunteered at the Food Bank of the Rockies last week, and in about 3 hours, we packed over 11,000 pounds (over 5 1/2 tons) of food for kids in need to take home to their families. It's always nice to experience more of that good feeling from helping others.
