Monday, October 18, 2021

The opposite of addiction is connection

I'm finding this to be true but difficult. Having been deeply introverted all my life, it's challenging to get out and interact more with society.

But there's more to it than that. I'm connecting to myself also, which I've never really done. I'm connecting to the world in other ways. Just leaving the house when before I'd sit around and wither away on apathy is freeing.

There are lots of connections I need and want to make. Some are terrifying some invigorating, but all necessary to become a whole rounded person. 

Saturday, October 9, 2021

Anxiety is a cold, evil bitch

As I'm managing to escape her prison, she's found ways to show me that it's not so easy to escape her dongeons. Today, she took it upon herself to squeeze my heart tissues and squeeze hard with worries about finances.

Fortunately, I have some new tools at my disposal to help pick the locks with, but also, I'm not skilled with using them yet. 

Friday, October 8, 2021

Starring Role



For the first time in my life, I've actually cast myself in the starring role in my life, not just an extra in the background that somehow manages to be in all the scenes. That's making a big difference in this sobriety attempt (I'm reluctant to use that term because I want it to be more definitive and permanent, but that's what it is).

I'm making myself the center of my life. And it's hard, since I never really learned how to "act" before. I know how to pass myself off as human, but not really how to live and enjoy living life. I've always (and still do) preferred to hide in the background, and because of that my skills with interacting with people in a genuine manner are to put it mildly - lacking.

Most people would never notice it really, because I got *really* good at passing myself off as human. It probably helps that I'm kind of smart so I can react quickly when put under pressure to respond to someone and I've seen lots of film about how it should look.

But really, I'm kind of an alien in a human skin, or an infant in an adult body that's learned not to shit his pants and grab women's boobs.

I feel really awkward trying to be normal for real and not just pretending to be normal (not that I am or ever will be or that I really want to be normal, but rather just normal in the sense that I'm not being a complete and total fraud).

That being said, in my years of being an extra, I became a truly amazing person who is genuinely one of the nicest people on the planet. I'm saying that through gritted teeth because I don't like to be boastful or even the center of attention, but I've been told it enough that I do accept that it's true. And there are tons of anecdotes that back up their claims. I do have a good heart. 

But being a good person with a phobia of rejection has also allowed be to be walked on by coworkers and significant others (though not too many times with women because I didn't try to open up too often).

I've released myself from that  52+ year prison. And I'm reintegrating myself back into a society that I've never really felt part of. I hope I don't recast myself in the role :wink:. 

Thursday, September 30, 2021

The week in review at the end of September

This week has been good, though Tuesday was a challenging day. I spent it being introspective and realized that the fears I was hiding from with the use of alcohol are still there. Except now they are no longer something that might happen, but rather something that is going to happen. I'm not sure if having the uncertainty removed made it so the desire to hide from the fear that it could happen caused me to not even think about drinking, or if being introspective on my root causes and being in control caused it. Either way, the urge to hide from my fears or the world in general never manifested that day despite all the triggers being present. So that's a great thing on my road to recovery. I can't let my guard down though, I might something else that I'm afraid of happening that I don't want to face the possibility of. Hopefully with this insight, I'll be equipped to know better than to try to hide from the fear. 

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Retrospective


 

As I work on addressing my issues, part of that is looking back on where I went wrong so that I don't go down that path again.  The periods of retrospect have been painful but necessary.  And while they do increase my anxiety, I'm glad to report that they haven't caused me to want to hide from my problems any more,  But with that, I've discovered that if there's something I suck at more than coping with my fears, it's communicating.

Kind of ironic to me that an author can't communicate, but there it is.  I can write stories effectively (or so I think), but I can't communicate one-on-one with an individual on more than a casual basis.  I see this as a problem not only in my love life and the small quantity of girlfriends etc that I've had in my life, but also in the fact that I've never really had a true best friend except my wife.  And I wouldn't have gotten to that point without her making the first moves.  But I also sucked at communicating in that relationship.

Fast forward to today and I find myself trying to teach myself how to communicate like a baby giraffe taking it's first steps.  I'm awkward at it, and the few steps I do take, I stumble on and come off looking wrong. 

The recovery from alcoholism will be a hard road, but completely changing myself into someone that can communicate with others will be even harder.  Yet this is necessary to the recovery if I'm not to fall into that same routine of hiding from my fears. 



Monday, September 27, 2021

Has Being Sober Helped My Writing?




So has it? Well, it couldn't have made it worse. Though at the same time, I haven't actually written anything either. What I can say is that not one of my stories that have been any good were written while under the influence of alcohol. So it seems that in order to write again, I probably shouldn't be drunk when I'm trying.

But there at the end of my drunken life a month ago, I was also experiencing something that had never happened to me before. I wasn't even having ideas for stories. Nothing. Nada. Blank.

I had a few fleeting ideas today, but they were not accompanied by the stories' words. And as is custom with fleeting ideas, they vanish quickly if not written down, which I of course, did not do. 

What is loneliness?

I was wondering earlier if everyone means the same thing when they say they're lonely, or does it have slightly different meanings for each individual.

For instance, when I say I'm lonely, I mean I don't feel like anyone loves me. You might counter argue that I have kids and parents that love me, but thoss don't count for this type of love. Neither does the love of friends, etc. 

I truly feel like no one really loves me when I'm lonely. It may or may not be the actual case, but that's what's in my head.

Often when I feel lonely, I feel like I'll always be lonely. And sometimes I'll even say I don't really deserve to be loved. The latter one is only occasionally though. 

Let me know. It's that what you mean when you say you're lonely, or does it have a different connotation to you? 

Quill Writing

Quill Writing