Sunday, October 24, 2021

Helping Others Feels Awesome




So my wife was out of town this week, and I was worried that it might cause heightened anxiety with me. I combatted that by keeping myself busy when I wasn't at work.  And that mostly worked, though my wife was struggling with her issues, and that always contributes to my anxiety, so there was some there. I eased out of that by thinking up ideas to help her issues when she gets back and by giving her advice and doing my best to comfort her while she was there, as well as thinking up ideas to help on a longer term. And coming up with the ideas and cleaning started a wave of joy that carried me through the week. 

After the Life Ring meeting Sunday, I went and bought a couple of camping chairs to give to A Way Forward (the non-profit place that lets is met there. We often hold our meetings outside, but there often isn't enough chairs. So I'm donating a couple for use there. I tried to stencil their name on the chairs, but it didn't turn out so well. It's the thought that counts, right? 

Tuesday, I reached out to a Life Ring member who's husband was out of town, which is a trigger for her. I was checking to see if she was okay. She had taken some medication to help with the urges and was getting along pretty well. 

Thursday, a person at my Life Ring group was checking in with her week and struggling with issues of anger and resentment towards someone who had and continues to be truly horrible to her and her family. Cross-talk is encouraged there unless the speaker doesn't want it. I have her some advice, and you could visibly see the relief come over her body as I gave it to her. She thanked me profusely and told me she was going to implement the ideas I offered to her. 

That was an awesome feeling. However, on the drive home, I was hit with an anxiety attack that I can't think of any trigger for. I went home and went to sleep. The next morning, the anxiety had lifted and the awesome feeling was still there.

Today I checked back in with the one from Tuesday night, and she made it through with no issues. I also received a text from a fellow AA member in which he mentioned having a lot of anger that builds up inside him, especially when dealing with others while shopping, etc. I told him to "Come up with the silliest saying you can think of that's the opposite of mean and spiteful and say that every time you're in that kind of situation. Soon, you'll start thinking they're kind of funny." And "And a bonus is, if someone hears you saying it, they'll wonder what it means and if you're crazy. It should absolutely make no sense."

He thought it was a good idea and was going to try it. There's another good feeling from helping others this week. 

Anyway, I got a good bit of cleaning done this week, especially since I couldn't get outside to do yard work but one night. It looks amazing and having it cleaned pushes the anxiety away even more.

In total, this was an awesome week. 

Monday, October 18, 2021

Disappointing weekend, but good stuff still happening


I was supposed to go SCUBA diving Saturday (for free even). I was eagerly looking forward to it, but alas, my innerds had other ideas. I had (so do actually) some kind of intestinal issue that resulted/results in lots of time sitting in the bathroom. I'm making it through it, but it really bums me out I couldn't do that.

I did, however, get to color my youngest's hair Sunday instead. They picked the color, but also said to leave the natural color natural (we'd bleached it at the beginning of summer and the roots grew out). They're rocking it. And I have some nice fatherly pride going on seeing how much they love it.  It looks better a day later after totally dying. 


Candice has also been gone for an extended period of time (more than a day) without me only twice since we got married 13 years ago. I suffered a ton of anxiety each time. She's gone for a whole week again now, and though we're basically permanently separated (but living in the same house), we'll see if any creeps up on me this time around. She's also having difficulties right now which always cause me anxiety, so the combo is probably going to be challenging.

I'm ready for it though! I've also been trying to fight my anxiety over her difficulties by coming up with possible solutions for her problems, which is helping a lot in that respect (again, address the root causes of my anxiety, don't just try to avoid the old coping mechanism).

Wish me luck.  

The opposite of addiction is connection


I'm finding this to be true but difficult. Having been deeply introverted all my life, it's challenging to get out and interact more with society.

But there's more to it than that. I'm connecting to myself also, which I've never really done. I'm connecting to the world in other ways. Just leaving the house when before I'd sit around and wither away on apathy is freeing.

There are lots of connections I need and want to make. Some are terrifying some invigorating, but all necessary to become a whole rounded person.  

Saturday, October 9, 2021

Anxiety is a cold, evil bitch

As I'm managing to escape her prison, she's found ways to show me that it's not so easy to escape her dongeons. Today, she took it upon herself to squeeze my heart tissues and squeeze hard with worries about finances.

Fortunately, I have some new tools at my disposal to help pick the locks with, but also, I'm not skilled with using them yet.  

Friday, October 8, 2021

Starring Role



For the first time in my life, I've actually cast myself in the starring role in my life, not just an extra in the background that somehow manages to be in all the scenes. That's making a big difference in this sobriety attempt (I'm reluctant to use that term because I want it to be more definitive and permanent, but that's what it is).

I'm making myself the center of my life. And it's hard, since I never really learned how to "act" before. I know how to pass myself off as human, but not really how to live and enjoy living life. I've always (and still do) preferred to hide in the background, and because of that my skills with interacting with people in a genuine manner are to put it mildly - lacking.

Most people would never notice it really, because I got *really* good at passing myself off as human. It probably helps that I'm kind of smart so I can react quickly when put under pressure to respond to someone and I've seen lots of film about how it should look.

But really, I'm kind of an alien in a human skin, or an infant in an adult body that's learned not to shit his pants and grab women's boobs.

I feel really awkward trying to be normal for real and not just pretending to be normal (not that I am or ever will be or that I really want to be normal, but rather just normal in the sense that I'm not being a complete and total fraud).

That being said, in my years of being an extra, I became a truly amazing person who is genuinely one of the nicest people on the planet. I'm saying that through gritted teeth because I don't like to be boastful or even the center of attention, but I've been told it enough that I do accept that it's true. And there are tons of anecdotes that back up their claims. I do have a good heart. 

But being a good person with a phobia of rejection has also allowed be to be walked on by coworkers and significant others (though not too many times with women because I didn't try to open up too often).

I've released myself from that  52+ year prison. And I'm reintegrating myself back into a society that I've never really felt part of. I hope I don't recast myself in the role :wink:.  

Quill Writing

Quill Writing