Companionship

My wife and I are currently separated but living in the same house.  This is because my drinking in the past has turned her away from me.  We are still best friends, but currently she is not ready to try to re-establish those close bonds that come with being more than best friends.  Things are improving with us, but it's going to take a long time before I've regained her trust enough for her to attempt to let me back in on a closer bond again.

This has left me with a void.  There is a crushing pain from the loneliness that comes with my situation.  It's worse than it was before I met her, as I had never truly experienced a connection like that before, and now I have and have lost it.  It's all my fault for drinking to hide from the idea that I might lose her.  The fear came when polyamory entered our lives.  Not that she would see other people, but that she might want to drop me from her heart.  Ironically, my drinking made that happen.

It doesn't help that my only friends live in the same house as me and still have that connection that I've lost.  I don't have anyone to connect with to help in the loneliness from that respect because it doesn't seem appropriate to talk with them about my pain.

Some of you might be thinking, "hey, I'm your friend."  And yes, I do have friends like you, but unfortunately, we have not bonded in a truly close friendship that allows me to feel comfortable reaching out for comfort on an platonically intimate scale.  This, too, is mostly me, as I have lived life in fear of rejection, and have not really gained the skills to make friends on that level.  Instead, I've always lived withdrawn and isolated, which has furthered my anxiety, depression, loneliness, and alcoholism.

So, recently, I've dusted off my online dating profiles to try to find another in my ethical non-monogamous life.  This has resulted in a tremendous amount of frustration and has not been good for my self-esteem.  It's only been a month, but I've yet to get a connection to even chat with someone online to see if we might click as even friends.  And really, all I'm looking for is a close connection with someone outside of the house even if it isn't a full romantic one.

I'm still sober, and have zero plans to go back to that coping mechanism.  Instead, I've been turning to cleaning up the clutter in the places in the house that I spend the most time in.  This has helped a lot, but doesn't come close to filling the void I have from no longer having companionship in my life.

I should start writing again.  I have one story for my second book that I finished around three or four years ago.  But every time I start, It just doesn't happen.  Yes, I've written stuff.  But I've thrown most of it out, as it's just dribble that has helped keep my skills from becoming completely dull, but doesn't have the feel of a story that should be told yet.  All of my past stories have had a feeling even I've written them that hasn't been there with these.  Most of these aren't even remotely a complete story (so no, this isn't the case of an artist being more critical of their own work where others would like it).  If I did have some that told an actual story, I would keep it in hopes of refining it into something better.  The good news is that ideas for stories are staring to return even if the words for those ideas remain elusive at this point.  So, it's just a matter of time before I get rolling again with my writing hobby on a decent scale.

On a brighter note, I volunteered at the Food Bank of the Rockies last week, and in about 3 hours, we packed over 11,000 pounds (over 5 1/2 tons) of food for kids in need to take home to their families.  It's always nice to experience more of that good feeling from helping others.

Helping Others Feels Awesome

So my wife was out of town this week, and I was worried that it might cause heightened anxiety with me. I combatted that by keeping myself busy when I wasn't at work.  And that mostly worked, though my wife was struggling with her issues, and that always contributes to my anxiety, so there was some there. I eased out of that by thinking up ideas to help her issues when she gets back and by giving her advice and doing my best to comfort her while she was there, as well as thinking up ideas to help on a longer term. And coming up with the ideas and cleaning started a wave of joy that carried me through the week. 

After the Life Ring meeting Sunday, I went and bought a couple of camping chairs to give to A Way Forward (the non-profit place that lets is met there. We often hold our meetings outside, but there often isn't enough chairs. So I'm donating a couple for use there. I tried to stencil their name on the chairs, but it didn't turn out so well. It's the thought that counts, right? 

Tuesday, I reached out to a Life Ring member who's husband was out of town, which is a trigger for her. I was checking to see if she was okay. She had taken some medication to help with the urges and was getting along pretty well. 

Thursday, a person at my Life Ring group was checking in with her week and struggling with issues of anger and resentment towards someone who had and continues to be truly horrible to her and her family. Cross-talk is encouraged there unless the speaker doesn't want it. I have her some advice, and you could visibly see the relief come over her body as I gave it to her. She thanked me profusely and told me she was going to implement the ideas I offered to her. 

That was an awesome feeling. However, on the drive home, I was hit with an anxiety attack that I can't think of any trigger for. I went home and went to sleep. The next morning, the anxiety had lifted and the awesome feeling was still there.

Today I checked back in with the one from Tuesday night, and she made it through with no issues. I also received a text from a fellow AA member in which he mentioned having a lot of anger that builds up inside him, especially when dealing with others while shopping, etc. I told him to "Come up with the silliest saying you can think of that's the opposite of mean and spiteful and say that every time you're in that kind of situation. Soon, you'll start thinking they're kind of funny." And "And a bonus is, if someone hears you saying it, they'll wonder what it means and if you're crazy. It should absolutely make no sense."

He thought it was a good idea and was going to try it. There's another good feeling from helping others this week. 

Anyway, I got a good bit of cleaning done this week, especially since I couldn't get outside to do yard work but one night. It looks amazing and having it cleaned pushes the anxiety away even more.

In total, this was an awesome week. 

Disappointing weekend, but good stuff still happening

I was supposed to go SCUBA diving Saturday (for free even). I was eagerly looking forward to it, but alas, my innerds had other ideas. I had (so do actually) some kind of intestinal issue that resulted/results in lots of time sitting in the bathroom. I'm making it through it, but it really bums me out I couldn't do that.

I did, however, get to color my youngest's hair Sunday instead. They picked the color, but also said to leave the natural color natural (we'd bleached it at the beginning of summer and the roots grew out). They're rocking it. And I have some nice fatherly pride going on seeing how much they love it.  It looks better a day later after totally dying. 

Candice has also been gone for an extended period of time (more than a day) without me only twice since we got married 13 years ago. I suffered a ton of anxiety each time. She's gone for a whole week again now, and though we're basically permanently separated (but living in the same house), we'll see if any creeps up on me this time around. She's also having difficulties right now which always cause me anxiety, so the combo is probably going to be challenging.

I'm ready for it though! I've also been trying to fight my anxiety over her difficulties by coming up with possible solutions for her problems, which is helping a lot in that respect (again, address the root causes of my anxiety, don't just try to avoid the old coping mechanism).

Wish me luck.  

The opposite of addiction is connection

I'm finding this to be true but difficult. Having been deeply introverted all my life, it's challenging to get out and interact more with society.

But there's more to it than that. I'm connecting to myself also, which I've never really done. I'm connecting to the world in other ways. Just leaving the house when before I'd sit around and wither away on apathy is freeing.

There are lots of connections I need and want to make. Some are terrifying some invigorating, but all necessary to become a whole rounded person.  

Anxiety is a cold, evil bitch

As I'm managing to escape her prison, she's found ways to show me that it's not so easy to escape her dongeons. Today, she took it upon herself to squeeze my heart tissues and squeeze hard with worries about finances.

Fortunately, I have some new tools at my disposal to help pick the locks with, but also, I'm not skilled with using them yet.  

Starring Role

For the first time in my life, I've actually cast myself in the starring role in my life, not just an extra in the background that somehow manages to be in all the scenes. That's making a big difference in this sobriety attempt (I'm reluctant to use that term because I want it to be more definitive and permanent, but that's what it is).

I'm making myself the center of my life. And it's hard, since I never really learned how to "act" before. I know how to pass myself off as human, but not really how to live and enjoy living life. I've always (and still do) preferred to hide in the background, and because of that my skills with interacting with people in a genuine manner are to put it mildly - lacking.

Most people would never notice it really, because I got *really* good at passing myself off as human. It probably helps that I'm kind of smart so I can react quickly when put under pressure to respond to someone and I've seen lots of film about how it should look.

But really, I'm kind of an alien in a human skin, or an infant in an adult body that's learned not to shit his pants and grab women's boobs.

I feel really awkward trying to be normal for real and not just pretending to be normal (not that I am or ever will be or that I really want to be normal, but rather just normal in the sense that I'm not being a complete and total fraud).

That being said, in my years of being an extra, I became a truly amazing person who is genuinely one of the nicest people on the planet. I'm saying that through gritted teeth because I don't like to be boastful or even the center of attention, but I've been told it enough that I do accept that it's true. And there are tons of anecdotes that back up their claims. I do have a good heart. 

But being a good person with a phobia of rejection has also allowed be to be walked on by coworkers and significant others (though not too many times with women because I didn't try to open up too often).

I've released myself from that  52+ year prison. And I'm reintegrating myself back into a society that I've never really felt part of. I hope I don't recast myself in the role :wink:.  

The week in review at the end of September

This week has been good, though Tuesday was a challenging day. I spent it being introspective and realized that the fears I was hiding from with the use of alcohol are still there. Except now they are no longer something that might happen, but rather something that is going to happen. I'm not sure if having the uncertainty removed made it so the desire to hide from the fear that it could happen caused me to not even think about drinking, or if being introspective on my root causes and being in control caused it. Either way, the urge to hide from my fears or the world in general never manifested that day despite all the triggers being present. So that's a great thing on my road to recovery. I can't let my guard down though, I might something else that I'm afraid of happening that I don't want to face the possibility of. Hopefully with this insight, I'll be equipped to know better than to try to hide from the fear.  

Retrospective

 

As I work on addressing my issues, part of that is looking back on where I went wrong so that I don't go down that path again.  The periods of retrospect have been painful but necessary.  And while they do increase my anxiety, I'm glad to report that they haven't caused me to want to hide from my problems any more,  But with that, I've discovered that if there's something I suck at more than coping with my fears, it's communicating.

Kind of ironic to me that an author can't communicate, but there it is.  I can write stories effectively (or so I think), but I can't communicate one-on-one with an individual on more than a casual basis.  I see this as a problem not only in my love life and the small quantity of girlfriends etc that I've had in my life, but also in the fact that I've never really had a true best friend except my wife.  And I wouldn't have gotten to that point without her making the first moves.  But I also sucked at communicating in that relationship.

Fast forward to today and I find myself trying to teach myself how to communicate like a baby giraffe taking it's first steps.  I'm awkward at it, and the few steps I do take, I stumble on and come off looking wrong. 

The recovery from alcoholism will be a hard road, but completely changing myself into someone that can communicate with others will be even harder.  Yet this is necessary to the recovery if I'm not to fall into that same routine of hiding from my fears.  

Has Being Sober Helped My Writing?

So has it? Well, it couldn't have made it worse. Though at the same time, I haven't actually written anything either. What I can say is that not one of my stories that have been any good were written while under the influence of alcohol. So it seems that in order to write again, I probably shouldn't be drunk when I'm trying.

But there at the end of my drunken life a month ago, I was also experiencing something that had never happened to me before. I wasn't even having ideas for stories. Nothing. Nada. Blank.

I had a few fleeting ideas today, but they were not accompanied by the stories' words. And as is custom with fleeting ideas, they vanish quickly if not written down, which I of course, did not do.  

What is loneliness?

I was wondering earlier if everyone means the same thing when they say they're lonely, or does it have slightly different meanings for each individual.

For instance, when I say I'm lonely, I mean I don't feel like anyone loves me. You might counter argue that I have kids and parents that love me, but thoss don't count for this type of love. Neither does the love of friends, etc. 

I truly feel like no one really loves me when I'm lonely. It may or may not be the actual case, but that's what's in my head.

Often when I feel lonely, I feel like I'll always be lonely. And sometimes I'll even say I don't really deserve to be loved. The latter one is only occasionally though. 

Let me know. It's that what you mean when you say you're lonely, or does it have a different connotation to you?  

Why will this time be any different?

That's what's going through many of your minds. Even my most trusted support think that. And I have even thought that. In fact, I've put a ton of thought into that. And call it naivete, but I know it'll be different this time. And if I'm wrong, I'll probably be homeless living under a bridge, because I won't have anywhere else to live. 

Today was the one month mark of my rock bottom. I don't remember what I put in my original post detail wise, but I got super drunk (I think they said my blood alcohol was around .34 and it got that way in the span of less that two hours likely. And in this drunken state, I filled the bathtub with water (I'm guessing it was warm, because I can't stand the cold) and proceeded to slice at my wrist over 20 times with a razor blade. I've never tried to actually cut myself before. And though some of the cuts were decent, thankfully I either suck at it, or it was my last ditch scream for help from out of my abyss, or perhaps even more likely, I was just to drunk to do it right.

So that's the gist of what really happened as far as I know. 

I've tried to quit drinking multiple times with varying degrees of success temporarily and it always eventually crept back into my life.

I'm gong to devote this post to why it's going to be different this time. And I want you folks to use it as ammo against me if I look like I may falter or need a reminder. 

Let's start with why it never stuck before. 

First, because, frankly, I wasn't addressing the issues. I drank not because I liked the stuff, but because it clouded my mind and numbed me to the world so I wouldn't have to address my fears. (Ironically, it caused one ofmy biggest fears to happen faster) 

I drank to not face the world, myself, or what I feared/fear most. And that is loneliness.

Before I met Candice, I had given up on ever not being alone. And then, studdenly, I wasn't. So everything seemed great for a few years. I didn't drink at all because there wasn't really any need.

Then, when the first signs I noticed that there was a possibility this could fade, I did the exact opposite of what I should have done, and let alcohol sneak back in. And each sign in my mind that I could be alone again convinced my brain to revert to what I did before to deal with it. So like a young toddler, I just pretend it wasn't there and numbed my brain to reality.

Instead of making an effort to fix whatever issues were causing these perceptions, I hid from them. That hiding caused me to miss all of my best chances of not making them a reality of not feeling alone much of the time. 

So each time I've "quit" since that time after I met Candice, I've done so by trusting that sheer will power would get me through it. But I didn't do anything to change anything except temporarily focus on being sober. 

It never worked before, because I didn't really change anything. I just put it on pause. 

So, this time, I chose to address the root causes. 

I drank to keep my anxiety at bay. 

Why was my anxiety so high (other than a slight chemical thing)? Because I was in fear of being lonely and alone. 

So, what am I doing to change that? 

I'm focusing on changing that. I'm focusing on changing the way I interact with the world. In some cases, it means I have to express myself better.  In a recent issue, when it wasimplied that I wouldn't succeed this time, I chose to say something about how that hurt. In the past, I would have bottled that up and let the negative acids of my thoughts eat away at me for months. But I said something. I was given a blunt response, but replied with why I spoke up and how this is part of that change.

But that's only one aspect. I would sit around and do nothing but live in my thoughts which had nothing good to say about me. I'm making an effort to live this time. I'm trying to come up with things to do.

I'm going to lifering (liferingcolorado.org) where I'm adding new, external support and meeting new people. I'm getting ongoing treatment through the VA. I'm coming up with alternatives to sitting on my ass. (any ideas are welcomed, by the way). One of the things I'm going to do in a few weeks is go SCUBA diving. I plan to bowl some, even if it's by myself. I am doing more art, and hopefully with the help of this blog, I'm going to be a writer again.

I've a whole list of things to help me focus on living instead of fearing. 

And that big fear? Well, it's likely already happened, and I'm still here. And it likely happened because I was trying to shield myself that it was a possibility. So if the old solution didn't work, it most certainly will continue to not work, so why continue to try it. 

It's been a whole month and I haven't really missed it. There was a weekend when I was still in inpatient treatment where I realized it would have been a time where I previously would have tried no block out the world again. Instead, I made art. And made mental notes about what effects the new medications were having on me (or not having) so they could be adjusted for the harder times like then. 

I'm making plans to get out and do things. I'm trying to bring people along with me from my inner support system. Eventually, I'll start developing more rings of support and getting out and doing things with them or because of them. 

I'm making an effort to change the core problem, which I've never tried to do before in my life. And I recognize and accept the reason that I was a drunk before. Something else I've never admitted to myself. And I've stopped lying to myself and accepted things. And the world didn't come to an end when I did that. 

That's how I know it'll be different this time.  

Rock Bottom

I'm going to start by reposting what I put publicly on my personal Facebook account, and then maybe expand on it some.

From Facebook:

A couple of weeks ago, I almost became a statistic: 22. That's the areage number of veterans that commit suicide each day. This is a staggering number.  I'm not trying to blame what occurred with me on my status as a veteran I just want bring that to your attention before I continue. First let me say that being a veteran did not really play into the events of the other week, but it did play into my recovery afterwards and forward. 

This is by no means the darkest place I've been in my life, nor will it likely be the darkest place I'll yet visit. That place was in my previous darkest place in the last few years of my military service before meeting my soul mate. I definitely drank more then than I did in the last few months (which is saying a lot). In those years I had absolutely zero desire to live but even less motivation to do anything about it other than numb the world away with whiskey, hoping for death to be kind and carry me along for the ride. 

Then I met Candice and magically quit drinking with no withdrawal, etc. for several years.  We started Casually drinking together and that was working fine, too. 

The first signs that trouble might be on the horizon crept in after our youngest was born and Candice withdrew from me somewhat. 

This was a time where she had begun the pathway of discovering who she is as a being. Which though great for her, presented major hurdles for me, most notably within my own psyche. 

I have always been reclusive by nature and absolutely phobic about rejection in my life. As she finally began to break from her fragile shell to discover who she really was as a person instead of keeping it hidden from even herself, my paranoid brain began to nibble away at my edges with what if scenarios that I was not ready do deal with mentally. So the casual drinking grew a bit more and started slowly over time hiding the possibility from me that I had many options, but kept the one that was my biggest fear beating away at the drums of my mind, until that was all it could see and the alcohol completely consumed me in my efforts to not see this possibility in my future. 

Meanwhile, Candice had begun to understand who she was (though not without her own difficult journey along the way and forward from here), and my fragile psyche took that and doubled down on the fears instead of seeing other solutions ahead. And my coping mechanism of alcohol became the pathway to my biggest fear. 

I spiraled down off the stairways into the abyss below and lost track of most everything happening around me except for the even greater need to block out the reality of what was happening to me. 

All this while my living in fear had her living in pain and worry of fear of her own to the point that she felt she could no longer be married to me. She still cares for me deeply as I do her, but cannot in the foreseeable future reconcile what's happened to remaining married. She and I are still best friends, and one day in the future, I may reenter her polycule of life as more than a friend. 

As painful as it has been along the journey, I'm actually greatful that the universe went out of its way to prove to me that my greatest phobia isn't so daunting that I can't overcome it. 

Who knows what the future holds for myself or Candice. 

So why am I relating all this in such a public way? First, so there aren't any misunderstandings about what has been going on or finger pointing and taking sides. I take full responsibility for the missteps that have led to where I am now in life, and place no blame whatsoever on her. 

Secondly, because I need your help. I cannot and will not make it through this without a good support system. A large part of that is still entwined with Candice, but a lot has to do with you.  My support system isn't made up of just a small handful of individuals, but anyone and everyone that cares about me and my wellbeing. I don't have many (if any) close friends outside of Candice, but that doesn't mean I don't care for each and every one of you. 

I need your support throughout my life. Everything from a nice dm message encouraging my along the way, giving advice, or checking in on me to suggesting ideas for things to do to not sit idly and let my overactive brain nibble away more of my soul. 

I need you, as the core of my support system, to help me learn how to live, free of the stressful bindings of fear.

That was what I put out there for the world to see. 

Looking back on it, at least from what I've gathered, I was practically screaming (perhaps literally) for anyone to help me. I say this that way, because to be honest, I don't really remember the last few months. And from what I was told, I was really shitty. 

At the same time, I was not going to really seek change until I did finally hit the pavement at the bottom of this well, metaphorically speaking.

I'm truly sorry to all that witnessed the downfall, and am glad for those that have stuck with me to be my support. I will not let you down. I know that may be hard to believe, given my track record. But it will be different this time. I'm going to not only spell it out in the next few blogs, but I'll continue to chronicle my journey with this blog so everyone can follow along. 

And if I start showing signs I may be reverting. I expect each and every one that's following along to call me on it. 

But I also want praise along the way. It's best when it's unsolicited and out of the blue, but I'm not too proud to ask for it when I feel I need it, too.

So lets start this journey!