Expanding into Art

So, I've been taking an art class that has really expanded my artistic abilities.  It was a one day a week class that is 8 weeks long and ends tomorrow night.  

I will likely be re-doing the artwork for the next book that I published on my previous blog post.  I think I'll be sticking to pencils for a while before expanding back into acrylics etc.

Here's my last drawing for the class:

And the one from the week prior:

Here's what my faces looked like from the first class:

Cover Art

Ive been doing more artwork as I get back into writing. The next story nagging at me to be released is a sort of Alice in Wonderland-esque adventure that takes place mostly in the dream world, but has multiple people from the awake world visiting the same dream world. During some of my art work, I have painted what I think will be the cover art for Elinia (the story name right now and name of the dream world). 

What do you think? 

I'm hoping it's at least a hundredth as good as one of Neil Gaiman's stories, one can dream, right? 

If you're unfamiliar with my work, that's okay, because this is quite different from the rest of my stuff. But if you're interested, you can get it at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01M4P43HS/ it's titled Dark Stories for a Restless Night. It's a collection of 13 short stories, many of which have a dark ending, but some of which are fun escapism.

If you're familiar with my work, don't worry. I'm pretty sure it's still going to be a great read when I finally finish it. I still have an unpublished short story that I'm told is actually my best work yet, but I haven't figured out just what to do with it yet. It's not really long enough to put out there on its own, and it won't quite fit with Elinia (which is shaping up to be long enough for it to be a solo release).  But don't worry, I'll get it out there soon enough. It's called Sam's Lament.

Encouragement and prodding is always welcome. Keep me on my toes and pushing my art (written and otherwise) going! 

Companionship

My wife and I are currently separated but living in the same house.  This is because my drinking in the past has turned her away from me.  We are still best friends, but currently she is not ready to try to re-establish those close bonds that come with being more than best friends.  Things are improving with us, but it's going to take a long time before I've regained her trust enough for her to attempt to let me back in on a closer bond again.

This has left me with a void.  There is a crushing pain from the loneliness that comes with my situation.  It's worse than it was before I met her, as I had never truly experienced a connection like that before, and now I have and have lost it.  It's all my fault for drinking to hide from the idea that I might lose her.  The fear came when polyamory entered our lives.  Not that she would see other people, but that she might want to drop me from her heart.  Ironically, my drinking made that happen.

It doesn't help that my only friends live in the same house as me and still have that connection that I've lost.  I don't have anyone to connect with to help in the loneliness from that respect because it doesn't seem appropriate to talk with them about my pain.

Some of you might be thinking, "hey, I'm your friend."  And yes, I do have friends like you, but unfortunately, we have not bonded in a truly close friendship that allows me to feel comfortable reaching out for comfort on an platonically intimate scale.  This, too, is mostly me, as I have lived life in fear of rejection, and have not really gained the skills to make friends on that level.  Instead, I've always lived withdrawn and isolated, which has furthered my anxiety, depression, loneliness, and alcoholism.

So, recently, I've dusted off my online dating profiles to try to find another in my ethical non-monogamous life.  This has resulted in a tremendous amount of frustration and has not been good for my self-esteem.  It's only been a month, but I've yet to get a connection to even chat with someone online to see if we might click as even friends.  And really, all I'm looking for is a close connection with someone outside of the house even if it isn't a full romantic one.

I'm still sober, and have zero plans to go back to that coping mechanism.  Instead, I've been turning to cleaning up the clutter in the places in the house that I spend the most time in.  This has helped a lot, but doesn't come close to filling the void I have from no longer having companionship in my life.

I should start writing again.  I have one story for my second book that I finished around three or four years ago.  But every time I start, It just doesn't happen.  Yes, I've written stuff.  But I've thrown most of it out, as it's just dribble that has helped keep my skills from becoming completely dull, but doesn't have the feel of a story that should be told yet.  All of my past stories have had a feeling even I've written them that hasn't been there with these.  Most of these aren't even remotely a complete story (so no, this isn't the case of an artist being more critical of their own work where others would like it).  If I did have some that told an actual story, I would keep it in hopes of refining it into something better.  The good news is that ideas for stories are staring to return even if the words for those ideas remain elusive at this point.  So, it's just a matter of time before I get rolling again with my writing hobby on a decent scale.

On a brighter note, I volunteered at the Food Bank of the Rockies last week, and in about 3 hours, we packed over 11,000 pounds (over 5 1/2 tons) of food for kids in need to take home to their families.  It's always nice to experience more of that good feeling from helping others.

Helping Others Feels Awesome

So my wife was out of town this week, and I was worried that it might cause heightened anxiety with me. I combatted that by keeping myself busy when I wasn't at work.  And that mostly worked, though my wife was struggling with her issues, and that always contributes to my anxiety, so there was some there. I eased out of that by thinking up ideas to help her issues when she gets back and by giving her advice and doing my best to comfort her while she was there, as well as thinking up ideas to help on a longer term. And coming up with the ideas and cleaning started a wave of joy that carried me through the week. 

After the Life Ring meeting Sunday, I went and bought a couple of camping chairs to give to A Way Forward (the non-profit place that lets is met there. We often hold our meetings outside, but there often isn't enough chairs. So I'm donating a couple for use there. I tried to stencil their name on the chairs, but it didn't turn out so well. It's the thought that counts, right? 

Tuesday, I reached out to a Life Ring member who's husband was out of town, which is a trigger for her. I was checking to see if she was okay. She had taken some medication to help with the urges and was getting along pretty well. 

Thursday, a person at my Life Ring group was checking in with her week and struggling with issues of anger and resentment towards someone who had and continues to be truly horrible to her and her family. Cross-talk is encouraged there unless the speaker doesn't want it. I have her some advice, and you could visibly see the relief come over her body as I gave it to her. She thanked me profusely and told me she was going to implement the ideas I offered to her. 

That was an awesome feeling. However, on the drive home, I was hit with an anxiety attack that I can't think of any trigger for. I went home and went to sleep. The next morning, the anxiety had lifted and the awesome feeling was still there.

Today I checked back in with the one from Tuesday night, and she made it through with no issues. I also received a text from a fellow AA member in which he mentioned having a lot of anger that builds up inside him, especially when dealing with others while shopping, etc. I told him to "Come up with the silliest saying you can think of that's the opposite of mean and spiteful and say that every time you're in that kind of situation. Soon, you'll start thinking they're kind of funny." And "And a bonus is, if someone hears you saying it, they'll wonder what it means and if you're crazy. It should absolutely make no sense."

He thought it was a good idea and was going to try it. There's another good feeling from helping others this week. 

Anyway, I got a good bit of cleaning done this week, especially since I couldn't get outside to do yard work but one night. It looks amazing and having it cleaned pushes the anxiety away even more.

In total, this was an awesome week. 

Disappointing weekend, but good stuff still happening

I was supposed to go SCUBA diving Saturday (for free even). I was eagerly looking forward to it, but alas, my innerds had other ideas. I had (so do actually) some kind of intestinal issue that resulted/results in lots of time sitting in the bathroom. I'm making it through it, but it really bums me out I couldn't do that.

I did, however, get to color my youngest's hair Sunday instead. They picked the color, but also said to leave the natural color natural (we'd bleached it at the beginning of summer and the roots grew out). They're rocking it. And I have some nice fatherly pride going on seeing how much they love it.  It looks better a day later after totally dying. 

Candice has also been gone for an extended period of time (more than a day) without me only twice since we got married 13 years ago. I suffered a ton of anxiety each time. She's gone for a whole week again now, and though we're basically permanently separated (but living in the same house), we'll see if any creeps up on me this time around. She's also having difficulties right now which always cause me anxiety, so the combo is probably going to be challenging.

I'm ready for it though! I've also been trying to fight my anxiety over her difficulties by coming up with possible solutions for her problems, which is helping a lot in that respect (again, address the root causes of my anxiety, don't just try to avoid the old coping mechanism).

Wish me luck.  

The opposite of addiction is connection

I'm finding this to be true but difficult. Having been deeply introverted all my life, it's challenging to get out and interact more with society.

But there's more to it than that. I'm connecting to myself also, which I've never really done. I'm connecting to the world in other ways. Just leaving the house when before I'd sit around and wither away on apathy is freeing.

There are lots of connections I need and want to make. Some are terrifying some invigorating, but all necessary to become a whole rounded person.  

Anxiety is a cold, evil bitch

As I'm managing to escape her prison, she's found ways to show me that it's not so easy to escape her dongeons. Today, she took it upon herself to squeeze my heart tissues and squeeze hard with worries about finances.

Fortunately, I have some new tools at my disposal to help pick the locks with, but also, I'm not skilled with using them yet.