Starring Role

For the first time in my life, I've actually cast myself in the starring role in my life, not just an extra in the background that somehow manages to be in all the scenes. That's making a big difference in this sobriety attempt (I'm reluctant to use that term because I want it to be more definitive and permanent, but that's what it is).

I'm making myself the center of my life. And it's hard, since I never really learned how to "act" before. I know how to pass myself off as human, but not really how to live and enjoy living life. I've always (and still do) preferred to hide in the background, and because of that my skills with interacting with people in a genuine manner are to put it mildly - lacking.

Most people would never notice it really, because I got *really* good at passing myself off as human. It probably helps that I'm kind of smart so I can react quickly when put under pressure to respond to someone and I've seen lots of film about how it should look.

But really, I'm kind of an alien in a human skin, or an infant in an adult body that's learned not to shit his pants and grab women's boobs.

I feel really awkward trying to be normal for real and not just pretending to be normal (not that I am or ever will be or that I really want to be normal, but rather just normal in the sense that I'm not being a complete and total fraud).

That being said, in my years of being an extra, I became a truly amazing person who is genuinely one of the nicest people on the planet. I'm saying that through gritted teeth because I don't like to be boastful or even the center of attention, but I've been told it enough that I do accept that it's true. And there are tons of anecdotes that back up their claims. I do have a good heart. 

But being a good person with a phobia of rejection has also allowed be to be walked on by coworkers and significant others (though not too many times with women because I didn't try to open up too often).

I've released myself from that  52+ year prison. And I'm reintegrating myself back into a society that I've never really felt part of. I hope I don't recast myself in the role :wink:.