Rock Bottom

I'm going to start by reposting what I put publicly on my personal Facebook account, and then maybe expand on it some.

From Facebook:

A couple of weeks ago, I almost became a statistic: 22. That's the areage number of veterans that commit suicide each day. This is a staggering number.  I'm not trying to blame what occurred with me on my status as a veteran I just want bring that to your attention before I continue. First let me say that being a veteran did not really play into the events of the other week, but it did play into my recovery afterwards and forward. 

This is by no means the darkest place I've been in my life, nor will it likely be the darkest place I'll yet visit. That place was in my previous darkest place in the last few years of my military service before meeting my soul mate. I definitely drank more then than I did in the last few months (which is saying a lot). In those years I had absolutely zero desire to live but even less motivation to do anything about it other than numb the world away with whiskey, hoping for death to be kind and carry me along for the ride. 

Then I met Candice and magically quit drinking with no withdrawal, etc. for several years.  We started Casually drinking together and that was working fine, too. 

The first signs that trouble might be on the horizon crept in after our youngest was born and Candice withdrew from me somewhat. 

This was a time where she had begun the pathway of discovering who she is as a being. Which though great for her, presented major hurdles for me, most notably within my own psyche. 

I have always been reclusive by nature and absolutely phobic about rejection in my life. As she finally began to break from her fragile shell to discover who she really was as a person instead of keeping it hidden from even herself, my paranoid brain began to nibble away at my edges with what if scenarios that I was not ready do deal with mentally. So the casual drinking grew a bit more and started slowly over time hiding the possibility from me that I had many options, but kept the one that was my biggest fear beating away at the drums of my mind, until that was all it could see and the alcohol completely consumed me in my efforts to not see this possibility in my future. 

Meanwhile, Candice had begun to understand who she was (though not without her own difficult journey along the way and forward from here), and my fragile psyche took that and doubled down on the fears instead of seeing other solutions ahead. And my coping mechanism of alcohol became the pathway to my biggest fear. 

I spiraled down off the stairways into the abyss below and lost track of most everything happening around me except for the even greater need to block out the reality of what was happening to me. 

All this while my living in fear had her living in pain and worry of fear of her own to the point that she felt she could no longer be married to me. She still cares for me deeply as I do her, but cannot in the foreseeable future reconcile what's happened to remaining married. She and I are still best friends, and one day in the future, I may reenter her polycule of life as more than a friend. 

As painful as it has been along the journey, I'm actually greatful that the universe went out of its way to prove to me that my greatest phobia isn't so daunting that I can't overcome it. 

Who knows what the future holds for myself or Candice. 

So why am I relating all this in such a public way? First, so there aren't any misunderstandings about what has been going on or finger pointing and taking sides. I take full responsibility for the missteps that have led to where I am now in life, and place no blame whatsoever on her. 

Secondly, because I need your help. I cannot and will not make it through this without a good support system. A large part of that is still entwined with Candice, but a lot has to do with you.  My support system isn't made up of just a small handful of individuals, but anyone and everyone that cares about me and my wellbeing. I don't have many (if any) close friends outside of Candice, but that doesn't mean I don't care for each and every one of you. 

I need your support throughout my life. Everything from a nice dm message encouraging my along the way, giving advice, or checking in on me to suggesting ideas for things to do to not sit idly and let my overactive brain nibble away more of my soul. 

I need you, as the core of my support system, to help me learn how to live, free of the stressful bindings of fear.

That was what I put out there for the world to see. 

Looking back on it, at least from what I've gathered, I was practically screaming (perhaps literally) for anyone to help me. I say this that way, because to be honest, I don't really remember the last few months. And from what I was told, I was really shitty. 

At the same time, I was not going to really seek change until I did finally hit the pavement at the bottom of this well, metaphorically speaking.

I'm truly sorry to all that witnessed the downfall, and am glad for those that have stuck with me to be my support. I will not let you down. I know that may be hard to believe, given my track record. But it will be different this time. I'm going to not only spell it out in the next few blogs, but I'll continue to chronicle my journey with this blog so everyone can follow along. 

And if I start showing signs I may be reverting. I expect each and every one that's following along to call me on it. 

But I also want praise along the way. It's best when it's unsolicited and out of the blue, but I'm not too proud to ask for it when I feel I need it, too.

So lets start this journey!