Why will this time be any different?

That's what's going through many of your minds. Even my most trusted support think that. And I have even thought that. In fact, I've put a ton of thought into that. And call it naivete, but I know it'll be different this time. And if I'm wrong, I'll probably be homeless living under a bridge, because I won't have anywhere else to live. 

Today was the one month mark of my rock bottom. I don't remember what I put in my original post detail wise, but I got super drunk (I think they said my blood alcohol was around .34 and it got that way in the span of less that two hours likely. And in this drunken state, I filled the bathtub with water (I'm guessing it was warm, because I can't stand the cold) and proceeded to slice at my wrist over 20 times with a razor blade. I've never tried to actually cut myself before. And though some of the cuts were decent, thankfully I either suck at it, or it was my last ditch scream for help from out of my abyss, or perhaps even more likely, I was just to drunk to do it right.

So that's the gist of what really happened as far as I know. 

I've tried to quit drinking multiple times with varying degrees of success temporarily and it always eventually crept back into my life.

I'm gong to devote this post to why it's going to be different this time. And I want you folks to use it as ammo against me if I look like I may falter or need a reminder. 

Let's start with why it never stuck before. 

First, because, frankly, I wasn't addressing the issues. I drank not because I liked the stuff, but because it clouded my mind and numbed me to the world so I wouldn't have to address my fears. (Ironically, it caused one ofmy biggest fears to happen faster) 

I drank to not face the world, myself, or what I feared/fear most. And that is loneliness.

Before I met Candice, I had given up on ever not being alone. And then, studdenly, I wasn't. So everything seemed great for a few years. I didn't drink at all because there wasn't really any need.

Then, when the first signs I noticed that there was a possibility this could fade, I did the exact opposite of what I should have done, and let alcohol sneak back in. And each sign in my mind that I could be alone again convinced my brain to revert to what I did before to deal with it. So like a young toddler, I just pretend it wasn't there and numbed my brain to reality.

Instead of making an effort to fix whatever issues were causing these perceptions, I hid from them. That hiding caused me to miss all of my best chances of not making them a reality of not feeling alone much of the time. 

So each time I've "quit" since that time after I met Candice, I've done so by trusting that sheer will power would get me through it. But I didn't do anything to change anything except temporarily focus on being sober. 

It never worked before, because I didn't really change anything. I just put it on pause. 

So, this time, I chose to address the root causes. 

I drank to keep my anxiety at bay. 

Why was my anxiety so high (other than a slight chemical thing)? Because I was in fear of being lonely and alone. 

So, what am I doing to change that? 

I'm focusing on changing that. I'm focusing on changing the way I interact with the world. In some cases, it means I have to express myself better.  In a recent issue, when it wasimplied that I wouldn't succeed this time, I chose to say something about how that hurt. In the past, I would have bottled that up and let the negative acids of my thoughts eat away at me for months. But I said something. I was given a blunt response, but replied with why I spoke up and how this is part of that change.

But that's only one aspect. I would sit around and do nothing but live in my thoughts which had nothing good to say about me. I'm making an effort to live this time. I'm trying to come up with things to do.

I'm going to lifering (liferingcolorado.org) where I'm adding new, external support and meeting new people. I'm getting ongoing treatment through the VA. I'm coming up with alternatives to sitting on my ass. (any ideas are welcomed, by the way). One of the things I'm going to do in a few weeks is go SCUBA diving. I plan to bowl some, even if it's by myself. I am doing more art, and hopefully with the help of this blog, I'm going to be a writer again.

I've a whole list of things to help me focus on living instead of fearing. 

And that big fear? Well, it's likely already happened, and I'm still here. And it likely happened because I was trying to shield myself that it was a possibility. So if the old solution didn't work, it most certainly will continue to not work, so why continue to try it. 

It's been a whole month and I haven't really missed it. There was a weekend when I was still in inpatient treatment where I realized it would have been a time where I previously would have tried no block out the world again. Instead, I made art. And made mental notes about what effects the new medications were having on me (or not having) so they could be adjusted for the harder times like then. 

I'm making plans to get out and do things. I'm trying to bring people along with me from my inner support system. Eventually, I'll start developing more rings of support and getting out and doing things with them or because of them. 

I'm making an effort to change the core problem, which I've never tried to do before in my life. And I recognize and accept the reason that I was a drunk before. Something else I've never admitted to myself. And I've stopped lying to myself and accepted things. And the world didn't come to an end when I did that. 

That's how I know it'll be different this time.